I didn't come to my point of view in the third paragraph until I was into my 30s. My upbringing had me convinced that being a good man meant not standing up for what I want. That doesn't mean "be a dick." It does mean that you are NOT going to match up long-term with most of the women you meet (as a hetero man).

I had to go through a horrible first marriage to get there, and a LOT of short term relationships afterwards before I met my second (current) wife.

This relates to the highlighted part of your comment. You don't have to ask her what she wants (although of course it will be discussed). Much more important is make it clear who you are through your actions. If that is what she wants, you'll know it through her actions. If not, you'll see THAT through her actions.

You have to learn to handle confrontation (I did!) in a constructive way when actions don't match words - yours or hers. This takes practice but there is a lot of info on the inter-webs and books about how to learn to argue constructively (e.g. one subject, stay in the present)

Underlying all this is my attitude that I don't have a problem being alone. I'm VERY happy being married, but I would rather be alone than putting up with a bad match. How a "bad match" is defined is individual.

I found that when I accepted that I might spend the rest of my life alone and I was OK with that, I was much more open to a good relationship.

my two cents and I hope it helps you!