I agree 100%. It took me a long-term relationship, a failed marriage and STILL another short-term relationship for me to see it. I am VERY lucky to have both the time to study these things and the money for therapy to get professional help. Most people don't have both, many have neither.

All that being said, as a cognizant (up for debate at times!) adult I have agency and responsibility for my actions. Yeah it sucks if you had a dysfunctional family growing up. It sucks if you have a mom who is narcissistic (maybe not NPD but close).

If my adult relationships fail because of my actions, that is on me, even if the cause was my childhood trauma. It sucks. It isn't fair. But it is my problem to fix, not someone else's to take on.